What I Know, What I Don't Know, and How to Overthink a Plan to Death

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 What I know: 

  • I want to quit
What I don't know: 
  • Everything else
It's the overthinking, and the inability to just start that is the death of many a magnificent, brilliant plan. 

I'm a brilliant saboteur of my own dreams and wishes. Even if it's only at a subconscious level, I hold my own with style and flair. I can find a million little things that would mean, "oh, you can't do it today ... This will be too stressful," or "Let me get this [x] first, so I can have it for day one, or day whatever ..." 

I suppose the question then becomes: am I stronger than the sum of my zillions of overthinking thoughts? 

That remains to be seen. I can sit here and map out thousands of scenarios for what it will be like, what I will do with all that free time, where I will go, and probably most importantly, how I will feel, but truth is, I won't know til I get there. 

See, this is why I have invoked the powers of a therapist to get me started, a week before the date. I know that trying it alone has never been successful in the past. I know that talking about it with my husband, who smokes also, but far less, won't help because he will take anything I say personally, as if everything I say is designed to make him feel bad. That's not the case at all. He is free to do whatever he wishes to do. I just need to be able to speak freely without managing my words, so I can get these thoughts OUT of my brain and make sense or discount them with more certainty than can be achieved when thinking alone or silently. 

Let's define my "Why," shall we? 

  1. I don't like that I do this. It makes me feel "less than." 
  2. I want to be a productive, effective and helpful soul. I can't do any of that whilst doing this. 
  3. I'm tired of the waste - The waste of time. The waste of money. The waste of what time I have left in this particular section of the universe.
As Elvi would say, "A little less conversation, a little more action, please ..." 

I just need to stop talking about it, shut up and DO IT. 

What have I got to lose? Nothing. 

Overthinking leads to complacency leads to staying stuck. 

I don't know how normal people function. Those are not my people. I just know what I know about me, and I know I want to change, and therefore, all I have to do is CHANGE. Period. 

So, yeah, enough bullshit. Enough talk. Enough with the planning and trying to map out the unforeseen. 


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