6:01 Lit the "last" one
6:11 Gone
6:45 Found more partials. Smoked them, then took out ALL the remaining trash and burned it, so there wouldn't be anything left to light.
8:40 Licorice, cough drops and supplements, and drops specifically designed to curb cravings fail
8:45 Smoked one of his
9:30 Drove to town and bought more
9:45 Commence smoking, only less
For the two hours that I thought I was going to do it, I felt fine.
The urge is not sudden. It's not a sudden smack in the face. It's gradual, like someone slowly turning up the volume dial.
I'm fantastic at identifying what I SHOULD have done.
I suck at doing so in the moment.
I'm excellent at saying what I'm not going to do.
I suck at the follow through.
I am still enraged.
I am still weak.
I'm not here begging for sympathy or coddling. Just being absolutely honest about who I am, and what I am not yet able to do.
I have visualization issues. We talked about this last night. I don't "see" things in my mind. My thoughts are all in word form, and I don't even see those. I just have thoughts, and I "read" them, but there's no visible sign of them that ushers forth. Does that make me internally blind? I don't know. Warrants a bit more research on the topic.
We went to visit elephants the week before last. I can't SEE it in my head. This is what I see in my head:
Is this brain fog? I have no fucking clue. I just lack visualization skills. I wonder if there's some way to increase them, or if it even is a SKILL that one can learn, or is it just some automatic thing that happens for some and not for others?
I used to be able to "see" colors in my mind, but now, even that is gone.
Well, lookie here:
An Overview of Aphantasia When You Can't See Images in Your Mind
That's what popped up when I asked Google: What does it mean when you can't see images in your mind?
All it means to me is that it's irrelevant.
What matters is getting my THINKING on track, whether I can see it or not. My THINKING is the issue here. My beliefs are the issue. I can draw you a damned apple from memory recall, but that doesn't mean I can SEE that apple in my head.
Probably why I am drawn to art and fashion, the lines, and patterns, and textures, and construction are fascinating to me. Every bit of that elephant I fed apples to, that was everything. Instead of being able to just sit here and see it, though, I just have to head to Google Photos and look at the pictures. Life goes on.
Back to logic, and my lack thereof ...
Today is another day. Maybe when these are gone, I'll try again.
Complete 180 from yesterday, I know, but as my beloved says, "It's baby steps." It will take as long as it takes, and not a second less.
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