A Little Less Conversation ... After This

The recurring thought in my brain cell?    

Just shut up and do it.

Source 

I've been listening to countless videos, tried reading some shit, and just doing a fuckton of thinking about the situation. I'm sick enough of THAT, let alone the reason for all the mental energy expenditure. Fuck me. 

I'm not even afraid of the after effects, like weight gain, etc. I just want to be done with this part of me. I appreciate it for what it was/and currently is, but it's become more of a pain in the ass than a friend. 

As Elvis said - 'A little less convo, a little more action,' right? 

I've heard a couple songs lately that kind of line right up with this mind game I'm playing. The lyrics kind of sum up the relationship, and what I need to do. 

Fire For You ~ Cannons

                                                                               Lyrics

Happier Than Ever ~ Billie Eilish

Lyrics

I don't have any excuses anymore. I'm all out. I also don't know when, but it is coming soon. 

I don't know why it took me so long, but there are things that have been bothering me, as of late, that I buried before: 

• The smell. I'm just tired of it. I smell it all the time. Candles are only partially effective in distracting from the smoke. 
• The maybe/maybe-not invisible layer of yuck 
• The coughing - I don't hack like some people, but I won't miss it.
• Getting winded - it's worse when I get a cold or something, but it's enough
• Depression - I know it's not a cure, but it certainly won't HURT to get rid of this, and maybe it will alleviate even more of that. 
• Lack of energy - I feel like I've been in a prison (of my own making). I want to do things. 
• Lack of control - I want to be in charge again, not this habit 

The rewards are a comin': 

• Taking care of me, and smelling like a human (that smells good) again
• Feeling clean
• Feeling powerful
• Taking back all the time I've wasted 

I've done some preliminary planning to confront the cravings and change my routines that include taking better care of myself, and getting all the shit done that I have put off for days, weeks, years, even. 

I'm tired of talking about it. I sit in silence most days, out of pure, unadulterated shame that I haven't had the self control, but that's wasted energy. Therefore, I don't know how much more I'll talk about it before I do it. Just know, it will happen soon.