Past Need, Right into Rage

 

I'm fairly certain I am about to house this expression on a semi-permanent basis for at least the next week. Remember how I said I didn't have a date set, and didn't know if I would. Well, scratch that. Today, when these are gone, I am going to do my utmost very best to hold on to the rage I feel inside and use it to fuel (pun intended) my quit. 

I was watching some young thing on YouTube talking about her quit when a certain lightbulb went right the fuck off in my brain cell. She was talking about how, when she smoked, she never felt like doing anything, and just had a certain sense of malaise and ennui every day. 

After having a particularly crappy sleep last evening, complete with aches, discomfort, and even some chest pain thrown in for good measure, and then hearing that, and realizing that this is what I am choosing, actively, with every single one I light up, I know what I have to do. 

I have to just get in touch with my discomfort, and deal with it. I have to redirect my rage away from people or things that aren't the actual targets, and focus it where it belongs. Sorry, Misty, but you're it. 

There will be much swearings, gnashing of teeths, and maybe about 700 pot holders crocheted in the next week, but I will do this. 

I once read that Alan Carr book about quitting, but like many others that were less than tickled with it, I found it trite, stupid, aged (not well), and fairly condescending. Remember what I said about shaming me not being a thing? If his shit worked, I would have quit four years ago when I read it. 

I'm guessing you just have to get so very fed up with yourself, and your weakness, and inability to commit that you just cannot take it any more. I'm about to have a "Falling Down" moment or five all over this habit. 

This isn't about "Oh, I need to quit smoking." This is more of a "What in the holy fuck have I been doing, and why do I let this keep happening to me?" I wouldn't allow someone to repeated sexually assault me without a fight, and I'd most likely be serving time for my act of self defense, so why the fuck do I keep allowing these sticks o' doom to control me? I stopped allowing my mother to shame me, and manipulate me years ago. Why do I let these do the same damned thing? 

I am not this weak. I am not this feeble-minded. 

I am enraged. 

I'll let you know how it goes.