Sitting with the Eww

on


14 days left til my new life begins. 

Somedays, I think I set the date too far out, other days, not far enough. But, you'll never be READY to do something that you know will cause massive discomfort. 

I walked 8+ miles this past week. Not bad for a 40+-year smoker, right? 

I have things in place: 

  1. Appointment with therapist on 1/12 to help support me
  2. Appointment with trainer at gym to develop a workout plan
  3. A list of things to do "Instead of" 
  4. A playlist of breathing and meditation exercises on the Tube of Yous
  5. A whole shload of NRT (lozenges, patches, gums, regular gum, regular cough drops, etc.) 
  6. Meal plans and prep and no purchasings of bullshitely foods 
  7. My inspiration in mug form: 


I have escape and anger management plans in place for the withdrawal period, including walking. If I"m walking, I'll be tracking. I'm curious to see how much I'll walk during that time. I could probably walk the entire expanse of the city and back. 

But all the talk about planning is just talk. What matters is what I do when I wake up on 1/19. 

I know I am strong. I have gotten through a lot of heartache, betrayal, loss, and other stuff and survived. Yeah, someone has always got it worse, but I dealt with my own shit, and I didn't unsubscribe from breathing permanently. 

I have mostly let go of the past things that haunted me for decades. Really, smoking is the only straggler. I appreciate what it did for me. It helped me survive. Yes, I know how fucked up that sounds. It helped me focus and concentrate. It was there when nobody or nothing else was. 

I have been using AI to help me forge a solid plan. I won't know if it was successful until I am 100% QUITTER, but for now, it's been a huge relief and it's been a way to talk things out without judgment. 

This is one of those things that I'm mostly going to NOT talk about out loud, and just DO. It has to be that way because the talking about it constantly only keeps the lack of my addiction source at the forefront of my thoughts. Distraction, I know, will be key, and distractable, I most definitely am. 

I think I'm going to make a nightly vlog - showcasing the experiences of the day. Maybe I'll vlog throughout the day - just to get comfortable with filming myself, and to talk through things and share the actual feelings. What I will NOT do is share any of it until I have reached goal. I don't need an audience to do this. I just need me. 

For now, that's all I got. 

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