The closer the date gets, the more my brain has started to incite panic, anxiety, fear, loathing, and sabotagery.
I am combatting with changing up little tiny things. I've held back on doing any major projects in the house due to wanting to have a whole host of things to do after the 18th. I'm going to bed earlier. I'm spending less time isolated and more time with my husband. Today, I sat quietly and did not immediately light up.
I hate it when I find someone on YouTube, and they say some really brilliant shit, but then it's backed up by a bunch of hoodoovoodoo cultesque nonsense. It wasn't overt, but after watching a few of this person's videos, it became abundantly clear that this is NOT the voice of reason (or disreason) that I need in my orbit.
It's the equivalent of meeting someone new, and they regale you with all their successes on their new cyanide routine. Would you do it, too, just because they said how great it is, not knowing ANYTHING else about them? Fuck no, you wouldn't. And when someone starts talking about manipulating others (even as a side comment) or psy-ops and brainwashing, it makes me throw up a lot in my mouth.
I guess it just shows to go ya that everyone has at least one or two brilliant thoughts swimming around in their craniums, but it doesn't mean you have to take every piece of advice they dole out as the gospel truth.
You have to collect bits and pieces here and there and form your own opinions and action plans.
I think the thing that irked me was this person's prescription for forming a new identity and it involved shame, humiliation and embarrassment of self, along with self-brainwashing (which might not be all that bad), but the first part? Nah. I grew up with those things. Those things were instilled in me from the time memory started for my brain. In fact, the smoking began in my earlier years BECAUSE I was so shamed, humiliated, and never good enough. I found smoking. It made me feel better, and I ran with it. Hard.
I wish I could vape. I really do. Because I think the hand-to-mouth thing is going to be the trickiest thing to overcome. The vaping isn't great either, but it's a step up from the smoking. However, with all the smoking I've done, my lungs revolt when I try vaping. It's why I don't smoke pot either. My lungs say nope. Why can't they say nope to the smoking? What the actual fuck?
I do know I've got to stop constructing speed bumps and roadblocks. It's a mental game, 100%. I guess I have to start looking at it as there are two of me - the old one, and the one I'm about to become, and it will be a battle of who is strongest.
New me is already working on fitness and eating right, etc. NOT dieting, just making the changes it takes to get to where new me wants to be. This has always been easier to do than anything related to the smoking. I would go on binges, or just completely give up, but when I decided to change things, I just did it. Now, I just have to transfer that skill to this habit. I have to put the old me's voice on mute. I have to put the addiction's voice on mute. I just have to dive right in and get it done.
It's not about willpower. It's about doing the hard shit. Just shut up and do it, right?
Let's see where the week takes me and my brain.
8 days of smoking left.
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