So, Yeah ...

 

It's been a hot minute (read: three-plus years). 

After three years of a fuckton of loss, heartache, heartbreak, and a complete move from point A (Ohio) to point B (Arizona), I have set a date. 

January 19, 2026. 

According to the Google Machines, the numerology behind this date is pretty cool, and I just picked a random date, so it looks like it is meant to be: 

It's just enough. 

I can't keep doing it. I also cannot do it immediately. I know what happens, because I've tried it time and time again. I set a date, like four days in the future, and then I proceed to psych myself out. The fear is suffocating - moreso than the actual smoking. 

So, this time, I'm taking 23 days to map it out, get all my supplies, plan my escape route from the withdrawals, and plan my "instead of smoking" list of things to do. None of which include feeding my face unless it's something healthy. I'm also making a "playlist" of meditative and breathing-exercise-related things to listen to and watch on YouTube. 

There are other things, too - things on which I'm already building habits around, like going to the gym and walking around the neighborhood. I currently have a schedule of three gym and four walk days. I believe that will increase exponentially - like daily, at least with the walking. 

Then there's art. All of it. Drawing, photography, calligraphy, and yarn. 

Here's the stuff I've bought to help me get through the withdrawal period with my sanity intact: 

There will be patches, and gum, and lozenges galore, along with sugar-free lemon candy, sugar-free cough drops, and regular gum. 

I know the smoking has its claws completely intertwined with my soul - if not, I wouldn't have kept doing it for so many decades. I also know that the self-loathing has got to stop. All the other roadblocks are either dead or put aside because I can't control anyone but me ... so really, all I have to contend with is this addiction. 

There is no room for "Fail to plan, plan to fail." This 23-day period is going to be meticulous. I'm also not in the mood for giving myself grace if I slip up. That's old me. That's why I still smoke. Fuck that. There's no "giving myself grace" if I slip up. There will NOT be slip-ups. That's taking the easy way out before I even get started, and I am not doing that. 

I will be a quitter. Period. 

I didn't move clear across the country and away from the pain and heartache of Ohio to stay prone and stuck as the same person. The me that came with me has ideas, goals, and plans, and the old me that also came with me is no longer allowed to get in my way. 

This is also why I have enlisted the support of AI - Claude.ai to be specific - to help me get clear on what I need to do. Claude allows me to be 10,000% honest. Claude also calls me on my bullshit with zero judgment, argument, or disgust. It doesn't take the place of human connection, but it does help me see where my thinking is skewed, and helps me think about new ways to do things. 

I am also planning to see a therapist that specializes in addiction, at least for some human contact and assistance when I am getting into the messy parts of withdrawal. 

However, I fully understand that only I can do this. No matter who is involved, it's up to ME. 

It's no one else's fault if I fail, and though tools and human support will definitely help me through, it will be ME that accomplishes my goals. 

This isn't for anyone else. This is for me.