Whomever came up with that "Quitters never win; winners never quit" witticism clearly wasn't referring to smoking, nor to anyone who ever quit a job they loathed in search of better, so yeah, what a useless quote for someone like me.
I've been struggling. This has been a year of "Whoa, you've really let yourself go, haven't you?" I have been "diagnosed" with Type II diabeetus, mostly untreated, except for diet, and a very enormous lack of exercise. I have yet to go back for a follow-up. They never called in the blood glucose monitor they wanted me to get, so I got one from Amazon, and I have no universal clue whether it's accurate or not. I've been near death, and nearly cured, if I am to believe the numbers.
Meanwhile, I have eliminated ALL but very fractional usage of artificial sweeteners, including the likes of Crystal Light Peach Tea for my water, Diet Dr. Pepper, and a very large majority of the carbage I had been consuming to garner me such a delightful diagnosis. Somewhere in the midst of the past 1.5 years, I lost all ability to muster up any fucks about what I was eating.
Between COVIS (as my father-in-law calls it), and already working "remotely," attempting, and then "quitting" college, and starting a new job which turns out to be like, literally, the best job I've ever had, and getting sick and tired of constantly focusing on food, eating, and not being comfortable in my own skin, I just gave up giving a shit about what I et. A 40-plus year battle with genetics, resentment, pain, and FONFI (you heard it here first ... "Fear of Not Fitting In") wears on the psyche, and the soul.
Do I WANT to weight approximately 75 pounds less? Sure. How bad do I want it? NOT bad enough to suffer the psychological slings and arrows that I've waddled through for all these decades. Fuck it.
Enough about the skin suit. Let's talk smoking.
Am I proud of it? Offended when people get offended by me doing it? No, and no. Do I wish I had never started? Sure. Do I feel like a piece of shit specifically for it? Not necessarily. Have I actively tried to quit ever before? No, not really. Does preaching at me work? Clearly, not. Do scare tactics, or ostracization (is that even a word?) work? Again, clearly not.
All I can say is that having reached nearly middle age, or maybe well over middle age, I just am at a place where I don't want to keep doing something stupid forever. I already do enough other stupid shit. Why keep doing this particular stupid shit.
I don't even know where I was going with all this. I'm not going to sit here and have a bash-fest about myself. I don't feel sorry for myself. Clearly, I've chosen this route, ad nauseum, for years. Shit happens. I have justified it 7 million ways to Sunday.
I haven't set a date, and I don't know that I will.
I quit Crystal Light cold turkey. But I don't think that counts because I just found an alternative that was LESS harsh on my person (ironic, yes), and kept on going. There is no alternative here. Vaping is not an option. Been there. Tried that. Did not enjoy it. Made me feel physically worse than what I already do.
On my birthday last week, we went to a Stop Smoking Hypnosis Seminar thingy. We stopped smoking from about 9:00 pm to about 10:30, when we got to the gas station and bought more. Maybe I'm just not susceptible to subliminal suggestions. Who knows. For about a day or two, we did smoke considerably less, but really, I'm just right back where I was.
I don't drink. I don't do drugs. I don't get high. I do have random bouts of food binges, but I'm getting that more and more under control.
I know I have the ability to do this. I just do NOT know when.
More next time ...
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