The Catch-22 of Alien Nations

I know it's what I do. I distance myself. I keep myself in my protective, slimy bubble so I don't have to really feel what it is I feel. I just stop interacting. I stop calling. I stop talking because, really, what is the point? Keep your head down ... Keep your nose to the grindstone ... blah-blah-blah-blah ... There's a level of disconnect that I have felt probably from the time I had recognition that I existed. I didn't blend. I didn't fit the mold, and I most certainly have a lot of difficulty relating to 99.5% of the human population. 

I can fantasize about what it would be like to have girlfriends; what it would be like to do anything closely related to the societal definition of a woman; what it would be like to be remembered, even. But in the end, it's all fantasy because reality tells another tale. I am alien. I am alienated. I'm a stranger in a strange land. 

It's been a darkish week. Up and down and all the fuck the way around. 

All things are lining up. The (let's call it) uneventful event of quitting will be taking place soon. I'll report back. 

I have a hard time finding anything positive to note at the moment. 

Tales from the dark side ... Postcards from the edge ... Blah-blah-blah ... 

But to know the me that's going to emerge, you have to have context, right? 

A Little Less Conversation ... After This

The recurring thought in my brain cell?    

Just shut up and do it.

Source 

I've been listening to countless videos, tried reading some shit, and just doing a fuckton of thinking about the situation. I'm sick enough of THAT, let alone the reason for all the mental energy expenditure. Fuck me. 

I'm not even afraid of the after effects, like weight gain, etc. I just want to be done with this part of me. I appreciate it for what it was/and currently is, but it's become more of a pain in the ass than a friend. 

As Elvis said - 'A little less convo, a little more action,' right? 

I've heard a couple songs lately that kind of line right up with this mind game I'm playing. The lyrics kind of sum up the relationship, and what I need to do. 

Fire For You ~ Cannons

                                                                               Lyrics

Happier Than Ever ~ Billie Eilish

Lyrics

I don't have any excuses anymore. I'm all out. I also don't know when, but it is coming soon. 

I don't know why it took me so long, but there are things that have been bothering me, as of late, that I buried before: 

• The smell. I'm just tired of it. I smell it all the time. Candles are only partially effective in distracting from the smoke. 
• The maybe/maybe-not invisible layer of yuck 
• The coughing - I don't hack like some people, but I won't miss it.
• Getting winded - it's worse when I get a cold or something, but it's enough
• Depression - I know it's not a cure, but it certainly won't HURT to get rid of this, and maybe it will alleviate even more of that. 
• Lack of energy - I feel like I've been in a prison (of my own making). I want to do things. 
• Lack of control - I want to be in charge again, not this habit 

The rewards are a comin': 

• Taking care of me, and smelling like a human (that smells good) again
• Feeling clean
• Feeling powerful
• Taking back all the time I've wasted 

I've done some preliminary planning to confront the cravings and change my routines that include taking better care of myself, and getting all the shit done that I have put off for days, weeks, years, even. 

I'm tired of talking about it. I sit in silence most days, out of pure, unadulterated shame that I haven't had the self control, but that's wasted energy. Therefore, I don't know how much more I'll talk about it before I do it. Just know, it will happen soon. 

The In Betweens

I've discovered, over the years, that the more you dwell on the negative, the more of it you will indubitably get. It put me in a downright shitty mood that my first attempt failed. Me? Bitchy? Never!!!!!! (Le Gasp!) 

After much thoughts, though, I have come to realize that I only fail if I don't keep trying until I get it right. What's right for me may not line up with what anyone else thinks is right, and that's completely okay. 

There are approximately 15,000,000 ways to quit, and approximately 15,000,000 people telling 15,000,000 stories about their own quits. Right now, I need to quit saying 15,000,000. Good lord! 

Right now, I'm still going at it, and while it's not an excuse at all, it's just what I do - when I stress, I smoke more. 

I also know that maybe I need to deal with my shit, the shit that has bogged me down continuously over the decades. Deal with it now, so when things arise down the road, they won't be impetusii (plural?) to me starting up again. 

What do I need to deal with? 

    1. Family

    2. Family

    3. Depression

    4. Did I mention family? 

    5. Self esteem

I have already been on a mission to accumulate as many non-smoke-related crutches as possible, so they will all be here. I've got a few different things: 

St. Claire's Organic Herbal Pastilles

If you love black licorice, as I do, the smell of these boxes alone when I opened the mailer was DIVINE! 

Heylo / Hyla Nicotine Free Disposable

(I got Blackberry Hibiscus and Coconut Lime) 

Zippix

Not to mention, we got a magical metric fuckton of supplements when we went to the hypnosis thingy, and another magical metric fuckton of supplements, including Vitamins D, B, B Complex, C, Inositol and Choline (which I forgot to take today), L-Glutamine, and whatever else is in there that I can't remember now. 

My only problem with all that supplementation? It mucks the beJESUS out of my gut system. It's treacherous, miserable, and, to me, not worth the hassle. This is precisely the reason I have, thus far, avoiding trying any kind of "cleanse." The misery leading up to the big release just does not seem valuable. 

I'm not trying to win any awards. I'm not going for sympathy votes or tots and pears. I am just trying to tackle the issues I know are forthcoming and trying to get ready to see this through. 

I somehow got way off track, though. 

What I meant to talk about was dealing with the mental bullshit (apart from this addiction) that I've worn around like a second suit of skin for the better part of my life ... I'm not going to rehash it all. That's for private contemplation. All I know is I think I'd rather get it over with now, while I have what I perceive to be my most comforting and longstanding relief mechanism. 

Most of my issues are created by me, and the choice I have made to not just let everything go, go, go ... They're the things that, when they show up, make my blood pressure erupt, and I can physically feel it. Maybe I've got to just have a mental purge, put all my thoughts on paper, mail them off, and walk away. Or maybe I don't say anything, and just make peace with the fact that the only thing I can control is me, and what other people think of me is not a damned bit of my business. 

Another issue - stress, related to feeling 'less than,' and like I don't belong where I'm at, workwise. I don't know how I got where I am, and I don't know what my boss sees in me that made him want to keep working with me. Though he is 10 million miles ahead of me on the success path, we do have a lot of similarities in mindset, and character traits, so I guess that's why we get along so very well. 

I just let self doubt get the best of me. I rehash all the jobs I've sucked at in the past, and can't fathom being able to make this one last for the rest of my working history, even though that is precisely what I would love to do. His words when we first launched everything: "I want this to be the last job any of us ever has to have ..." Not him, alone, but "US." 

There's a stress of knowing that this company has got something powerful, and that it's going to go places in the very near future is exciting, but also terrifying, because I fear I won't be able to keep up. I have to let go of that. I have to learn to ask for help when I need it, and be willing to admit that I cannot, as much as I may try, do EVERY little thing. There's no one I'm competing with. We're a company of approximately, as of today, 10-11 people, situated all over the globe. We manage, every day, to work together, despite disparate time zones, and get shit done. 

The only thing tripping me up? Me. My brain. My inferiority complex. 

So, yeah, the family issues, the personal perception issues, and the inferiority complex - these are the things I need to tackle in short order so I can make a strong go at this. 

I also don't think it's going to be all that productive to be pissed off at myself every day for failing to succeed on the first go. Shit happens. It's done. It's gone. All I have is right now, this second. That, and the ability to map out an airtight (pun, yes) strategy to do this quit right. 

That's enough for now. It's been a long day. 

Goodbye Logic

6:01 Lit the "last" one

6:11 Gone

6:45 Found more partials. Smoked them, then took out ALL the remaining trash and burned it, so there wouldn't be anything left to light. 

8:40 Licorice, cough drops and supplements, and drops specifically designed to curb cravings fail 

8:45 Smoked one of his

9:30 Drove to town and bought more 

9:45 Commence smoking, only less 

For the two hours that I thought I was going to do it, I felt fine. 

The urge is not sudden. It's not a sudden smack in the face. It's gradual, like someone slowly turning up the volume dial. 

I'm fantastic at identifying what I SHOULD have done. 

I suck at doing so in the moment.

I'm excellent at saying what I'm not going to do. 

I suck at the follow through. 

I am still enraged. 

I am still weak. 

I'm not here begging for sympathy or coddling. Just being absolutely honest about who I am, and what I am not yet able to do. 

I have visualization issues. We talked about this last night. I don't "see" things in my mind. My thoughts are all in word form, and I don't even see those. I just have thoughts, and I "read" them, but there's no visible sign of them that ushers forth. Does that make me internally blind? I don't know. Warrants a bit more research on the topic. 

We went to visit elephants the week before last. I can't SEE it in my head. This is what I see in my head: 

Source

Is this brain fog? I have no fucking clue. I just lack visualization skills. I wonder if there's some way to increase them, or if it even is a SKILL that one can learn, or is it just some automatic thing that happens for some and not for others? 

I used to be able to "see" colors in my mind, but now, even that is gone. 

Well, lookie here: 

An Overview of Aphantasia When You Can't See Images in Your Mind

That's what popped up when I asked Google: What does it mean when you can't see images in your mind? 

All it means to me is that it's irrelevant. 

What matters is getting my THINKING on track, whether I can see it or not. My THINKING is the issue here. My beliefs are the issue. I can draw you a damned apple from memory recall, but that doesn't mean I can SEE that apple in my head. 

Probably why I am drawn to art and fashion, the lines, and patterns, and textures, and construction are fascinating to me. Every bit of that elephant I fed apples to, that was everything. Instead of being able to just sit here and see it, though, I just have to head to Google Photos and look at the pictures. Life goes on. 

Back to logic, and my lack thereof ... 

Today is another day. Maybe when these are gone, I'll try again. 

Complete 180 from yesterday, I know, but as my beloved says, "It's baby steps." It will take as long as it takes, and not a second less. 

 

Past Need, Right into Rage

 

I'm fairly certain I am about to house this expression on a semi-permanent basis for at least the next week. Remember how I said I didn't have a date set, and didn't know if I would. Well, scratch that. Today, when these are gone, I am going to do my utmost very best to hold on to the rage I feel inside and use it to fuel (pun intended) my quit. 

I was watching some young thing on YouTube talking about her quit when a certain lightbulb went right the fuck off in my brain cell. She was talking about how, when she smoked, she never felt like doing anything, and just had a certain sense of malaise and ennui every day. 

After having a particularly crappy sleep last evening, complete with aches, discomfort, and even some chest pain thrown in for good measure, and then hearing that, and realizing that this is what I am choosing, actively, with every single one I light up, I know what I have to do. 

I have to just get in touch with my discomfort, and deal with it. I have to redirect my rage away from people or things that aren't the actual targets, and focus it where it belongs. Sorry, Misty, but you're it. 

There will be much swearings, gnashing of teeths, and maybe about 700 pot holders crocheted in the next week, but I will do this. 

I once read that Alan Carr book about quitting, but like many others that were less than tickled with it, I found it trite, stupid, aged (not well), and fairly condescending. Remember what I said about shaming me not being a thing? If his shit worked, I would have quit four years ago when I read it. 

I'm guessing you just have to get so very fed up with yourself, and your weakness, and inability to commit that you just cannot take it any more. I'm about to have a "Falling Down" moment or five all over this habit. 

This isn't about "Oh, I need to quit smoking." This is more of a "What in the holy fuck have I been doing, and why do I let this keep happening to me?" I wouldn't allow someone to repeated sexually assault me without a fight, and I'd most likely be serving time for my act of self defense, so why the fuck do I keep allowing these sticks o' doom to control me? I stopped allowing my mother to shame me, and manipulate me years ago. Why do I let these do the same damned thing? 

I am not this weak. I am not this feeble-minded. 

I am enraged. 

I'll let you know how it goes. 

Quitters Do Win, Right?

Source

Whomever came up with that "Quitters never win; winners never quit" witticism clearly wasn't referring to smoking, nor to anyone who ever quit a job they loathed in search of better, so yeah, what a useless quote for someone like me. 

I've been struggling. This has been a year of "Whoa, you've really let yourself go, haven't you?" I have been "diagnosed" with Type II diabeetus, mostly untreated, except for diet, and a very enormous lack of exercise. I have yet to go back for a follow-up. They never called in the blood glucose monitor they wanted me to get, so I got one from Amazon, and I have no universal clue whether it's accurate or not. I've been near death, and nearly cured, if I am to believe the numbers. 

Meanwhile, I have eliminated ALL but very fractional usage of artificial sweeteners, including the likes of Crystal Light Peach Tea for my water, Diet Dr. Pepper, and a very large majority of the carbage I had been consuming to garner me such a delightful diagnosis. Somewhere in the midst of the past 1.5 years, I lost all ability to muster up any fucks about what I was eating. 

Between COVIS (as my father-in-law calls it), and already working "remotely," attempting, and then "quitting" college, and starting a new job which turns out to be like, literally, the best job I've ever had, and getting sick and tired of constantly focusing on food, eating, and not being comfortable in my own skin, I just gave up giving a shit about what I et. A 40-plus year battle with genetics, resentment, pain, and FONFI (you heard it here first ... "Fear of Not Fitting In") wears on the psyche, and the soul. 

Do I WANT to weight approximately 75 pounds less? Sure. How bad do I want it? NOT bad enough to suffer the psychological slings and arrows that I've waddled through for all these decades. Fuck it. 

Enough about the skin suit. Let's talk smoking. 

Am I proud of it? Offended when people get offended by me doing it? No, and no. Do I wish I had never started? Sure. Do I feel like a piece of shit specifically for it? Not necessarily. Have I actively tried to quit ever before? No, not really. Does preaching at me work? Clearly, not. Do scare tactics, or ostracization (is that even a word?) work? Again, clearly not.  

All I can say is that having reached nearly middle age, or maybe well over middle age, I just am at a place where I don't want to keep doing something stupid forever. I already do enough other stupid shit. Why keep doing this particular stupid shit. 

I don't even know where I was going with all this. I'm not going to sit here and have a bash-fest about myself. I don't feel sorry for myself. Clearly, I've chosen this route, ad nauseum, for years. Shit happens. I have justified it 7 million ways to Sunday. 

I haven't set a date, and I don't know that I will. 

I quit Crystal Light cold turkey. But I don't think that counts because I just found an alternative that was LESS harsh on my person (ironic, yes), and kept on going. There is no alternative here. Vaping is not an option. Been there. Tried that. Did not enjoy it. Made me feel physically worse than what I already do. 

On my birthday last week, we went to a Stop Smoking Hypnosis Seminar thingy. We stopped smoking from about 9:00 pm to about 10:30, when we got to the gas station and bought more. Maybe I'm just not susceptible to subliminal suggestions. Who knows. For about a day or two, we did smoke considerably less, but really, I'm just right back where I was. 

I don't drink. I don't do drugs. I don't get high. I do have random bouts of food binges, but I'm getting that more and more under control. 

I know I have the ability to do this. I just do NOT know when. 

More next time ...